Hard Wired for Connection
By Michelle Steel
Hard wired for Connection: Why Disconnection Hurts
“Finding and building true, deep connections with others can be a challenge for many today. Craving human connection is a natural part of mortal life” (Jaggi, 2025). Heavenly Father designed His plan to forge eternal connections between husbands and wives, parents and children, and members of extended families (see Malachi 4:6; 1 Corinthians 11:11).
We are hard-wired for connection. Our spirits and bodies crave belonging. When those connections are strong, we feel safer, calmer, and more hopeful. I can’t directly change the font size of your document from here, but I c
Most couples and families who feel distant are not lazy, uncaring, or cold. They are busy and tired, trying to be responsible and juggle more than any human comfortably should. In the middle of all that effort, something quietly slips away—not love itself, but emotional connection.
When “Connection” Isn’t Really Connection
We live in a world saturated with technology. We are constantly “connected” online, yet many people feel more alone than ever. From the outside we may look connected, but inside we may be starving for intimate connection—the kind where people know our struggles, understand our hearts, and love us despite our weaknesses.
Could it be that some of our perceived connection is actually pulling us farther away from those who matter most?
Elder David A. Bednar warned that “counterfeit emotional intimacy may displace real-life emotional intimacy—the very thing which binds two people together” (Bednar, 2024). When we trade presence, listening, and vulnerability for constant scrolling and distraction, we may unintentionally rob ourselves of the relationships our souls long for.
Many couples say, “We just fell out of love.” More often, they did not fall out of love; they fell out of emotional connection. The hopeful truth is that with the Savior’s help, we can change our patterns and foster genuine connection again.
Elder Jeremy R. Jaggi taught that “deep connections with the Savior and with each other can help us find the support we need” to heal from our deepest struggles and have fulfilling relationships (Jaggi, 2025). Emotional and spiritual intimacy are crucial to friendships, marriages, and families. Too often they are skipped or avoided because of discouragement or fear. But when we build our relationships on Jesus Christ, everything changes.
Wired for Connection and Belonging
Secular research supports what the gospel teaches. Psychologists Baumeister and Leary (1995) reviewed decades of research and concluded that humans have a basic “need to belong”—a powerful drive to form and maintain a few stable, close relationships. They argue that this need is as fundamental as the need for food or shelter. When it is met, we function better; when it is not, we suffer emotionally and physically.
Health researchers now treat connection like a health prescription. Martino and colleagues (2017) found that strong social ties are linked to lower depression and anxiety, better immune function, and reduced risk of chronic disease. A landmark meta-analysis by Holt-Lunstad et al. (2010) pooled data from more than 300,000 people and found that individuals with stronger social relationships had about a 50% increased likelihood of survival compared to those who were more isolated. The effect of social connection on mortality was similar to quitting smoking or maintaining a healthy weight.
In short, our brains, bodies, and hearts are built for connection. When we are relationally starved, we don’t just feel “a bit lonely”; we hurt.
When Connection Is Missing, There Is Suffering
Psychologist John Cacioppo’s research shows that loneliness is not just a feeling; it is a risk factor. Higher levels of loneliness are associated with more depressive symptoms, and over time loneliness predicts later increases in depression (Cacioppo et al., 2006).
Researchers distinguish between:
· Social isolation: not having people around.
· Emotional loneliness: being around people but not feeling emotionally close to anyone.
Emotional loneliness—feeling unseen or unknown even in a crowd—has been linked to worse health outcomes and higher mortality risk (Hawkley & Cacioppo, 2010). This is where many hard-working couples and families quietly end up.
Emotional disconnection rarely starts with a huge fight. It grows slowly through everyday patterns:
· Logistics-only living. Conversations are mostly about schedules, chores, and tasks—not feelings or spiritual meaning.
· Parallel lives. Spouses or family members live side-by-side but engage in separate routines, screens, and stress.
· Unrepaired hurts. Sharp comments or forgotten commitments are never revisited, and small cracks widen over time.
· The “fine” script. When one person hints at overwhelm, the other responds with advice, minimization, or silence, and eventually both stop sharing anything real.
None of this means a relationship is doomed—but it does mean the nervous system is living without one of its greatest sources of comfort: emotionally safe connection.
Ministering: How God Uses Us to Heal Disconnection
If we are truly wired for connection, then ministering is not just a Church program—it is the Lord’s way of meeting a deep spiritual and biological need in His children.
Our bodies and spirits react when belonging is missing: anxiety, sleeplessness, heaviness, and that ache of loneliness in the chest. When someone shows up, listens, or simply sits beside us, something inside begins to settle. The nervous system calms, and the spirit feels less alone. That is what ministering is meant to do.
The Savior always went after the one—the woman at the well, the leper, the widow, the lost sheep. When He invites us to “lift up the hands which hang down, and strengthen the feeble knees,” He is calling us into His work of healing disconnection.
Sister Sharon Eubank has reminded us that “caring for the needy is less about giving away stuff and more about filling the need of human contact” (Eubank, 2019). Ministering in that spirit looks like simple, daily acts:
· A text that says, “You crossed my mind today. How are you really doing?”
· A doorstep visit with no agenda but to listen.
· Sitting by the person who usually sits alone at church.
· Remembering the anniversary of a loss and reaching out.
These may seem small, but to a lonely heart they testify, “I am not invisible. God has not forgotten me.”
We often pray that the lonely will be comforted and that struggling families will be strengthened. Ministering is often how the Lord answers those prayers—through us. Each of us carries something heaven wants to deliver: our time, our listening, our testimony of Christ, and our willingness to walk with someone in their mess instead of avoiding it.
Ministering is not one-sided charity; it is shared connection. When we step into another person’s world, they feel valued and less alone, and we remember that we are needed and that our stories and faith matter. Both feel the Spirit more fully, because where two or three are gathered in His name, He is there.
Why This Matters
Being hard-wired for connection means that when we do not experience it, there is real suffering:
· Emotionally, we are more vulnerable to anxiety, depression, and shame.
· Physically, chronic disconnection is linked to higher stress, poorer health, and increased mortality risk (Holt-Lunstad et al., 2010; Martino et al., 2017).
· Relationally, small misunderstandings and unrepaired hurts accumulate until people feel more like roommates than partners or teammates.
· Spiritually, we may pull away from God just when we need Him most, believing the lie that we are forgotten or unworthy.
If this feels familiar, it does not mean you are failing. It means your internal wiring is telling you the truth: you were made for connection.
Our relationship with Jesus Christ is the key to changing our habits, attitudes, and willingness to connect deeply with others. As we turn to Him and minister to one another, our homes and relationships can become places where hearts are seen, burdens are shared, and love flows more freely in every direction—heavenward and homeward.
References
Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 497–529. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.117.3.497
Bednar, D. A. (2024, November 3). Things as they really are 2.0 [Worldwide devotional for young adults]. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/broadcasts/worldwide-devotional-for-young-adults/2024/11/13bednar The Church of Jesus Christ
Cacioppo, J. T., Hughes, M. E., Waite, L. J., Hawkley, L. C., & Thisted, R. A. (2006). Loneliness as a specific risk factor for depressive symptoms: Cross-sectional and longitudinal analyses. Psychology and Aging, 21(1), 140–151. https://doi.org/10.1037/0882-7974.21.1.140
Eubank, S. (2019). You are the gift [Video]. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/media/video/2019-05-3000-you-are-the-gift The Church of Jesus Christ
Hawkley, L. C., & Cacioppo, J. T. (2010). Loneliness matters: A theoretical and empirical review of consequences and mechanisms. Annals of Behavioral Medicine, 40(2), 218–227. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12160-010-9210-8
Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., & Layton, J. B. (2010). Social relationships and mortality risk: A meta-analytic review. PLOS Medicine, 7(7), e1000316. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pmed.1000316
Jaggi, J. R. (2025, October). Keys to building Christlike connections in relationships. Liahona: YA Weekly. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/liahona/2025/10/13-keys-to-building-christlike-connections-in-relationships The Church of Jesus Christ+1
Martino, J., Pegg, J., & Frates, E. P. (2017). The connection prescription: Using the power of social interactions and the deep desire for connectedness to empower health and wellness. American Journal of Lifestyle Medicine, 11(6), 466–475. https://doi.org/10.1177/1559827615608788